


Never Been Felt So Right Before

by Wadanokuni



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 07:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10079009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wadanokuni/pseuds/Wadanokuni
Summary: James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes, the rich, smart and most popular boy; adored and loved by everyone. He had everything that money could buy, but he felt lonely and empty.Steven Grant Rogers, just a simple, normal poor boy who wasn't really that "normal" by the accepted social norms. He might not have everything, but he knew how to appreciate little things.They've met once before, but the second time was the one that would change their lives.





	

 

James “Bucky” Barnes was a rich, popular, handsome and smart boy in the Marvel High School. Studying specifically in Law and Business, he was also active in debate club as well as in music club. The perk of being a rich boy from even richer parents was he always got everything he needed. Money, women, luxuries, literally everything. People both adored and envied his so-called perfect life.

Yet he was lonely, and never knew what it meant to be truly loved by anyone. So he fled and denied it with things he shouldn’t do. Party, alcohols, hang out with people he didn’t really like in the first place, just having a fun time in balance to his school life.

His first mistake was when he met Steve Rogers for the first time.

 

On the contrary, Steven Grant Rogers was always a poor boy. He couldn’t afford new books, always seemed to wear the same navy jacket or oversized sweater, and absolutely looked nothing like Bucky. While he might look like a supermodel from a magazine, Steve was scrawny with a lot of health problems. He couldn’t see anything without his thick glasses and had to basically take a few different medicines at least 2 times a day.

He might not have everything he needed, but Steve wasn’t lonely. He had a loving mother always waiting for him at home, he had a few best friends who didn’t mind to hang out with him in class breaks, and Professor Erskine surely loved this particular student for Steve’s bright and imaginative mind.

Life was normal and a bit kind to him until he met Bucky Barnes.

They cornered and made a fun of him in the hallway because they thought it was funny. Steve, little Steve, such a strange kid with a lot of everything wrong inside him. He was far from _normal_ , judging by these group of people. Bucky knew that this was _wrong_ . They didn’t need to make fun of him that far just because of that because he _knew_ Steve had done nothing wrong. If anything, the wrong one was these people in the first place.

But Bucky was one of those group of people right now. It was _wrong_ if he didn’t play along with them because he _supposed_ to be like those people. Popular, smart, handsome, and with a very high ego.

So he just laughed. Laughed. And laughed along with them.

And then those sky blue eyes glared at them, at _him_ . With anger, with resistance. _Too beautiful._

Bucky never felt so _wrong_ in his whole life.

* * *

 

Accidents always happened in a bad time in a bad place. In Bucky’s case, it was when he and the “gang” decided to drive while drinking. They just wanted to have a good time, fooling around with no care in the world.

And this was his second mistake.

“Brock! Look out!”

He wasn’t sure who said it. Maybe it was him, or maybe it was someone else. But that didn’t matter anymore. The car collided with a big truck on the other side of the road. Ramming it hard enough to send the car into the side of the street in an upside down position. He didn’t remember anything else other than an intense pain he felt on his left arm, and then everything went black.

* * *

 

“We’re so sorry, Mr. Barnes. There’s nothing we can do.”

Deep down, Bucky was always angry. Angry to his parents, angry at his stupid _friends_ , angry to everyone and to himself. But he never felt so _angry_ right now.

The accident left him in the worst condition he had ever experienced. His left arm had to be amputated before it infected his body, he couldn’t walk properly without using a crutch or a wheelchair, and he was still alone in his big, cold house in the New York city. His parents knew about this, maybe. But then maybe they also decided to not care about it. Business and money were more important things to do.

Bucky never felt so angry and so lonely as of right now.

He screamed at the empty room, screamed to the cruel world, scream even to Gods for making him feeling this miserable. Scream, scream and scream until it turned into a broken sob.

And yet no one really cared.

* * *

 

“Hello. My name is Matthew Murdock. But you can just call me Matt.”

Bucky took once more look at the man in front of him. He had to look up a little bit since he was sitting in a wheelchair and Matt wasn’t exactly a short person.

“Are you really blind?” was his first question, earning a chuckling from the other man.

“Would you like to see it yourself?”

Matt removed his sunglasses, revealing two very white and blurry eyes and some scars around them. Bucky sucked his breath.

“Oh...uhm, I’m sorry. That was probably rude of me.”

“No harm is done, Mr. Barnes. Thought, if I may ask, of all of the best therapists in New York, why chose me?”

Bucky unconsciously held the remaining of his left arm, looking down to his feet.

“Because you won’t, _can’t,_ see me ever.”

* * *

 

“James, I’m afraid you’re already absent too long with your study. The university just called me that you had to continue the classes next semester and pass the exams in order to graduate next year. Failed to do so, and you will be dropped out.”

“I don’t care, Matt. I’m barely living and moving on my own with my current….” he didn’t continue the last part. “I need to get better physically before I can concentrate on my study. Hell, I still can’t walk properly without using a crutch. How am I supposed to casually go to school like this? And I don’t want anyone to see me, I don’t need...”

_Pity_. A reminder that he was already a broken man. Never be able to go back to his “normal” life.

“How about a home tutor? I do know someone who can help you study and teach you the basic subjects. He’s really good at it, and he had been teaching a few students for a couple of times too—”

“What part of ‘I don’t want anyone to see me’ that do you not understand?”

“I know. But, James, you can’t hide forever like this. Not everyone in this world is as blind as I am, and eventually, you will need other people’s presence.“

“But I have you—”

“Not enough. Trust me on this one. I know you don’t want anyone to see you in a different way, but this guy, he’s good. Like, he won’t judge you based on your appearance alone. And you really need a tutor to help you studying since I’m absolutely hopeless at it. The only thing I'm good at is being your physical therapist.”

Bucky grabbed the chair armrest a bit tight, reconsidering the option although he only had one at the moment. He didn’t feel like studying at all, not until everything that happened. But he knew that he had to eventually if he really wanted to graduate without any problems next year. That also meant he had to catch up to whatever things he fell behind. It wouldn’t be easy to catch up alone.

Sometimes he thought that he should just die in that car crash instead of surviving with many problems waiting up ahead. It sounded like a very easy option.

“...fine. I trust you on this one. But in one condition: this will the last person I’m willing to invite into this house. I don’t want anyone else to see me ever again for the rest of my life.”

“Deal.”

This would be another mistake, Bucky thought.

But perhaps it really was not.

* * *

 

Barnes’ house was unsurprisingly big. Far bigger than his old house at the suburban that he lived on with his mother, of course. Steve looked around curiously because this was the first time he ever visited a very big house, though eventually he arrived at the front door and knocked it a few times.

And he was nervous while waiting. Also furious.

This wasn’t the first time he had to swallow his pride down to his throat. He had done this a few times in order to earn more money so his Ma could have better food and didn’t have to work overtime for at least a month.

But this wasn’t just anyone, this was _Barnes_.

That, ungrateful, spoiled, selfish, cocky bastard who thought he could do anything like making fun of him just because he was _different_.

God, how much he hated him. It hurt and burned his pride that he had to take this job at the Barnes, specifically helping him to study because _really?_ And here he thought Barnes was the so-called-smartest-guy in the entire university. Ha.

Maybe he fucked up so badly that he need some extra studies, whatever. This was a job, with a very good pay, and it was Matt who requested it. Matt who was a friend of his best friend. He couldn’t exactly say no for those reasons.

Just get it done as quickly as possible so he could get out from this ridiculously big house.

...now that he actually thought about it, how long was it since the last time he ever saw Barnes at school anyway?

 

“Hey, Steve. I’ve been expecting you, thank you for agreeing to my request in the first place.” Matt was the one who answered the door, which Steve was very grateful so he didn’t need to face Barnes immediately.

“I don’t mind, Matt. A friend of my friends is also my friend, so I gladly will help you.” He replied, walking behind the taller man as they got inside. It didn’t take long for them to arrive at the door which probably led to a study room. Or anything, he wasn’t sure. And he suspected that Barnes was at the other side of the door.

“Alright, here we go. James, please come and meet Steve Rogers, your home tutor.”

Both Steve and Bucky looked at each other with wide eyes, mouths gaped and shocked in their faces.

* * *

 

Barnes looked a lot _different_ than he remembered last time.

He remembered him as a guy with a short hair, clean and shaved face, and with a broad, lean body. He remembered how Barnes always had his cocky grin, smirking as if everything else was a fool other than himself, and always seemed to proud of his personal achievements.

But now, Barnes’ hair was getting long. He looked like he didn’t shave for days. A frown on his face, and furrowed his eyebrows. He hunched as if to make himself smaller. And Steve just noticed he was missing an arm as well.

Steve felt a pang of guilt for thinking everything bad about him earlier.

“Why are you here, Rogers?” Barnes hissed, annoyance in his rough voice.

_Wait, since when Barnes knew his name? He thought he was a nonexistent being in Barnes’ book._ “I, I’m here to be your home tutor. Matt said you needed one, so.“

“What the fuck—”

“Oh! So you knew Mr. Rogers already. That saved us a lot for the long introduction, then.” Despite the intense glares, he could feel from both of the boys, Matt looks quite amused with this turn of events. “Let me get some drinks and little snacks for you guys from the old lady at the kitchen before I leave you two studying in peace.”

“Wait, Matt—”

But the door already closed before Barnes could protest any further, leaving a very awkward situation between him and Steve. This was a sick joke. Who would have thought that a person like Barnes could end up like this in the first place? What did happen to him when he was in long absent? Steve couldn’t help but keep wondering about it, but that wasn’t his reason to be here. He was paid to help Barnes studying his subjects, who apparently already fell behind for a few semesters. It would be tough, but it wasn’t impossible to catch up in a few months. At least, if he remembered correctly about Barnes’ performance at previous mock exams.

“So…” he started, but couldn’t finish it because he wasn’t sure what he should say to Barnes.

“What?” Barnes snarled, totally disgruntled.

Steve took a deep breath and sighed. If there was anyone who should be really patient to handle the situation, it should be him.

“What subject do you want to study first? I might be not the best person who can literally teach you everything, but I’m willing to understand your main subjects and studies to help you for as long as you need.”

“...aren’t you gonna ask?”

“About what?”

“About…this. Everything. Surely you have a lot of questions in mind when you stepped inside the house.”

He was considering it, really. Steve did have a lot of questions, specifically about whatever happened to Barnes—his missing arm. But he just shrugged and started sorting the books.

“I’m not here to ask too many questions to you. I’m here to help you study so if there’s anyone who needs to ask any questions, it should be you.”

* * *

 

Studying with someone he hated was proven difficult. When he taught other people, they weren’t as difficult as this. But Barnes was deliberately making everything into a mess. He still not changed since the last time Steve knew him. Still spoiled, unkind, ill-tempered, not willing to study and learn what he had been missed. To be honest, it felt like trying to make a 5-years old kid studying for his exam but the brat just wanted to play his favorite games.

Like he said, _spoiled_.

Or he just liked to see Steve’s struggle and feeling miserable.

A few weeks were gone and they had no significant progress at all. Steve almost ran out of his patience.

“Barnes, please stop this act. I’m here trying to help you. If you’re not cooperating with me, then we study all of these for nothing.”

“What, like you’re suddenly the smartest guy in the world?” he gave a cynical laughter. “I was the top in the class, Rogers.”

“ _Was_. And now you’re not. If you’re planning to keep up with that personal record of yours, I suggest you to quit your whining and start reading the notes I gave you earlier.”

“I don’t need you to tell me what I must do! Why do you care anyway? You could just leave me weeks ago, I know you hate people like me in the first place. Why do you still keep coming here?“

“I hate you, I absolutely hate people like you. But I will never run away from people who needs my help, heck I’ll do my best to help them. So sucks to be you, Barnes, but you’re stuck with me until I know enough that you’re capable of doing that exams you need to graduate.”

But of course, it wouldn’t enough to knock any senses to Barnes. If ever, it turned to the opposite way.

“Is this an entertainment for you, Rogers? You must be had a very good laugh about this. Tell me, how many people you told about me? Me, the top student James Buchanan Barnes, fell into a deep shit of Hell that didn’t even have a complete body and had to struggle for life. That oughta be a good story for mockery, isn’t it?”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know about it. I can imagine how happy you are that you finally got your revenge on me. I know eventually, you will try to blackmail me, make me miserable enough that I can’t help but give whatever you want. Was it money that made you stay? How much exactly did Matt pay your for this?”

“I can’t believe you think of me that low, Barnes. This isn’t about money, this isn’t about whatever wrong with you. I’m just here to help—”

“Lies! I don’t trust you. There’s no way you’re that willing to help people like me! People like me, who apparently turned into an ugly disappointing thing that no one even cared about! I can’t even do everything right without my missing arm, I’m literally hopeless. What do you care? What do you know about being miserable and ugly, huh?! You don’t know a thing about being me!”

And he just snapped. He couldn’t stand it any longer.

He raised his voice for the first time since coming into this house.

“What do I know? I know, James Barnes. I know how it feels to be ugly for my whole life because people keep telling me that directly to my face! And it’s people like you who always makes my life even worse. You _laughed_ at me, making fun of me, and I knew you’d forget about it but I never forget. I bet you didn’t even know that I ever existed in your world because apparently, you’re too selfish to see everything else around you. So don’t ever tell me how I never know how it feels to be ugly and unwanted. Because, jokes on you, I always do!”

Steve began to tear up as he spoke, but he turned his back and ran out of the house before Barnes got a chance to talk back.

 

This was his another biggest mistake he made.

_No_. No no no, please no. He didn’t want to see those clear blue eyes blurred by sadness. It hurt him deeper than he thought when he realized he just made Rogers cried. What the hell he was doing? What had you done, Bucky? Rogers had never done anything wrong to him. He literally had done anything wrong since the first time they met at school. If anything, it was Bucky who was wrong.

Everything was always wrong within him. And he didn’t know what he had to do to correct his broken self. He didn’t mean to be angry and vent his own problems to the blond. He lost his self-control and he regretted it immediately.

He fucked up, big time. He wasn't sure if Rogers would ever forgive him. Maybe this was for the best, maybe he should give up with a hope. Maybe he was destined to be alone and unloved forever. Maybe he deserved it.

* * *

 

”For Christ’s sake, it's not that hard to give him a call and talk to him.”

Bucky sighed, feeling down. “It's not that easy. I don't think he will ever want to talk to me. Hell, I think he will be glad if we never see each other again. I fucked up, Matt. And I can't just simply, I don't know, apologize and miraculously he will forgive me that instant.”

“You will be surprised on how big Steve's heart is. As long as you're truly sorry and promise him to behave yourself, who knows, he may give you another chance.”

“Well then, I guess my only chance just ran out by the time I accused him like that. He already said it himself that he hated me, why bother giving me another chance?”

“I swear you're always making everything even more difficult than it already has. Just talk to him, one time, that's all I asked.”

“I'm not going to get away with it aren't I?”

“Nope. It's all or nothing at all. Call. Him.”

Bucky bit his lower lip, rubbing his stump unconsciously then picking up his phone to call Rogers’ number before he chickened out. Oddly, he couldn't reach it even after 5 tries. _Did he turn off his phone?_ But for good measure, Bucky took a deep breath and called Rogers' home number. He just needed to make sure.

On the third ring, someone picked it up and Bucky could hear the sound of distress from it.

“Hello?” asked an older woman’s voice, who Bucky guessed was Rogers’ mother.

“Hi, uhm, is this Steve Rogers’ home? I mean, my name is James, can...can I speak to him?”

“Oh, uh, Steven he, he isn't home yet from work since 3 hours ago. And usually he's home by now. And I can't reach his phone at all since then. I tried to call to his workplace but they said Steven already left his shift. I, uh, I don't think you know where he is right now?”

“What? Oh. No, no I don't. But, can I ask where his workplace is?”

“It's a diner called ‘Peggy’s’ at the downtown, I can give you the address if you want.”

“Yes, yes please. Alright, hold on.”

He jolted down roughly but at least he could memorize it. The address wasn't that hard to find and it was around 25 minutes long with a cab. He should start from there.

“Alright, ma’am. Please stay calm and keep trying to reach him. I'll help to look around from the restaurant where he works at right now. I'll inform you if I find him.”

“Yeah, okay, I’ll try contacting him again until then. Please just call me if you find anything. I’m worried about Steven. Thank you for your help, James.”

_Thank you._ Such a strange word. It had been a very long time since the last time someone ever thanked him sincerely like her, although Bucky hadn’t really helped her other than offering himself to find Rogers— _Steve_.

Steve, he had to find him quickly.

“Matt, I, I need your help. Please help me to get a cab and go with me to Peggy’s diner right now. I have to find Ro—Steve, but I can’t do this alone.”

“Yes, of course I will help you. What happened to Steve?”

“He is missing.”

* * *

 

When you were missing a limb, apparently you would attract people’s attention quite much. Bucky always got anyone’s attention if he liked, but this one had a different kind of feeling. Instead of admiration, all he got from people was a _pity_. And he couldn’t stand those kinds of eyes. He resented it. He didn’t need anyone to remind him how broken and sad he was.

But Steve was different. He didn’t give Bucky any pity or sympathy. He never asked anything other than if Bucky understood on what they were currently studying. He didn’t quite pretend and treated him as just another “normal” young man who needed some extra efforts for his study.

Yet he accused the blond as a liar who just wanted Bucky’s fortune.

The more time he spent to find Steve, the more guilt and panic he felt. Something might happened to him and Bucky had no idea how to find him except looking around the diner. It was already late at night and almost no one to be sighted. Bucky struggled on his feet, kept walking together with Matt to search anything, anything at all for a clue of Steve’s whereabout. But so far they didn’t find anything useful. Even the people who worked at the diner didn’t know and had no idea where Steve could possibly be.

“James—hang on. I think I smell something.”

“You just _what_?”

“A perk of being a blind person, remember? My other senses are sensitive as hell. Hold on, let me try again...” They simply stood still on the empty side road, eventually the older male’s face turned grim.

“I don’t like where this is going, but...I think I just smelled something like _blood_.”

* * *

 

They found Steve, laying on the ground unconsciously. Bruised and battered on every part of his body. Blood on his mouth and forehead already dried out. His thick glasses broke into pieces, and the content of his sling bag scattered around him.

Bucky never prayed and begged so hard to God in his entire life before.

* * *

 

When he woke up 2 days later, the first thing he saw was blurred and cloudy. Steve barely saw anything else besides a white color around him. Except for something like a puddle of brunette that laid on his side of bed. Hesitantly, his hand reached it, only to find a greasy kind of feeling of someone’s hair. Strange, anyone he knew never let their hair untreated like this. And he wasn’t sure he knew someone who had a brunette hair beside— _no_. No way.

“Barnes?” he said quietly almost like a whisper, but somehow it was enough to wake the person up whoever he was.

“Steve? Steve, you, you’re awake. Oh God, I thought...I...”

“You, why are you here? Where am I—oww. Damn, my head.”

“Steve, no, no. Don’t get up yet, you’ve been badly injured. You need to rest and stay in bed, okay hang on I’ll press the bell to call the nurse first. Uhm, you want some water? Of course, you need it, uhm, hold on let me get the glass for you.”

“I’m _fine_. Answer my question, Barnes. Why are you here? Where am I? What do you mean I was badly injured—”

“I should be the one who asked you that. I, me and Matt found you laid on the ground at the dead end alleyway somewhere around the corner of the diner. I’m not sure what happened but I kind of guessed that someone else made those bruises. Who was it? Who was hurting you like this?”

“And what do you care? It wasn’t even your problem! I don’t need—”

Steve coughed a few times and started wheezing when finally a nurse came in to help him.

“Sir, I will need you to stay outside the room while we’re checking on him. It won’t take long I promise.”

“Is he, will Steve be okay?”

“Eventually, but it will take at least 2 or 3 weeks for him to recover fully. Not to mention he has some health problems in the first place. But he will get better.”

Steve would be okay, it was enough for Bucky. He didn’t realize that he held back his exhaustion and now he was so tired to do anything else. Tomorrow, he promised himself, he would visit Steve again and apologize to him.

* * *

 

“Why are you here, again? And what’s with that ridiculously big flower bouquet you bring along?”

Bucky blinked, looking at his hand which held the said bouquet—consisted of white daisies, lilies, and tulips—before looking back at Steve sheepishly.

“You don’t like flowers?”

The smaller man groaned. “That’s not what I mean, Barnes. I remembered asking twice before this and you didn’t even answer it now. Why. Are. You. _Here_?”

He cringed, unsure on where he should begin. He already prepared everything to make sure Bucky apologized properly to the blond. But he was lost for words, feeling nervous and afraid of what Steve might say in return.

“I,” he started, trying to make some senses before he gave up and stood closer on the chair beside Steve. “I was being a dick to you. I’m sorry. I admit that I was wrong and I shouldn’t say that to hurt your feeling.“

“Oh,” Steve simply said, looking at the brunette with an unreadable expression. “Just so you know, I still angry and mad at you. It was the worst thing I’ve ever heard especially coming from people like you. I don’t think I can just take your apology that easy.”

“I know. What I was saying to you, I know that it was unforgivable and I understand if you’re going to hate me for the rest of your life. But, just...please give me a chance to explain myself? This once, then I’m out from your life. I won’t bug you ever again.”

Steve stared at him, furrowing his eyebrows. He didn’t really want to hear anything else from Barnes ever again. But then, he cursed himself for always give people another chance. He believed, despite everything, people deserved another chance to make up their mistakes. So he sighed, slightly nodded at him.

“Fine. Go ahead and talk. I’m listening.”

Bucky didn’t realize he just breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank you. I, uhm.” He sat down on the chair beside Steve’s hospital bed, clearing his throat before he began. “It’s…I’m not sure if you realized it, but me and...you know, those people, we had a car accident. We were badly injured and in critical condition but managed to survive. I was probably the unlucky one because, well, the doctors couldn’t save my left arm. So they had to amputate it.

I was angry. Really angry and depressed because suddenly something important to me was ripped and tore apart just like that. But mostly, I was angry because nobody seemed to care. By the time I lost my arm, people saw me differently. They pretended like they cared but they didn’t. Hell, even my parents didn’t seem to care about me. Probably never had since the beginning, but that’s not quite relevant. So in short I...I’m not really used to people who treated me the same as a normal person, like you did. I never really trust other people because usually, they were faking it in front of me. So I thought, you were...”

“Lying to you?” Steve provided, gaining a single nod from the brunette. “Barnes, I would never—”

“I know. I should have known that. But apparently my brain wasn’t making any senses when I was angry anyway. It’s like, it’s always easy to blame my problem to someone else. But I realized you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment from me. You didn’t do anything wrong; on the opposite, you’re a really good person. Hell, you were too good and it made me really _scared_. And my first instinct was to push you away from me. I’m sorry. I really wished I’d never said those hurt things to you. But the deed was done and I had no excuses on that. I...I don’t expect you to forgive me either. I just wanted to talk, and it’s enough for me.”

A big silence fell on them afterward, and Bucky didn’t like any seconds of it. Probably it was best if he left the blond now, as both of his eyes were already a bit watery. He tried to blink back the tears before getting up.

“Yeah, well, I guess that’s it. I will leave you now, sorry for talking too much...”

“Hey.”

“Huh?”

Steve bit his lips, reconsidering again before he finally looked up at Barnes—James. He gave the brunette a weak smile.

“I do like flowers. And at least I can appreciate you for not bringing me roses. I’m allergic to them.”

* * *

 

“I was angry too, you know.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Steve gestured his hands to himself, shrugged, “I have a lot of health problems and have to at least take my medication twice a day. I still have asthma and need to bring my inhaler along everywhere. I’m short and skinny compared to the average looking guy in the world. I’m not exactly what people will be looking for an intimate relationship. I need to work twice as hard than everyone else in order to keep up with my bill and gets at least a recognition from other people. But it never enough, apparently. All they see is a little, scrawny kid who can’t do anything else besides getting sick all the time.”

“Oh.” Again, Bucky felt guilty and regretted that he ever made fun of him before. He should have known that he wasn’t the only one who had problems. Other people had too, and yet he was such a selfish person for thinking that he had the biggest problem in the world.

“I don’t really blame them. Like, half of it was true anyway. But I just don’t like bullies. They tend to remind me that there’s something very wrong with me, that I should just stay _wrong_ all the time. Then again, I’m not strong enough to fight back and I know better that if I start fighting it, they will never stop. So I just keep it to myself, stay quiet and try to ignore them all the time. Deep down, I’m so angry and mad that I can’t do anything it. I’m angry that people never treat me like a... _normal_ person.”

_Oh_. This was...utterly familiar and Bucky could relate to it.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. I-I’m sorry that I also took a part of it. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“It already happened so what can I say? I’ll just keep on living and do what I think is right.”

“Yeah...I guess.”

“And, Barnes—”

“Bucky.”

“What?”

“You can call me Bucky. I like that name better than everything else anyway.”

“That’s a very odd nickname.”

“Taking it from my middle name, Buchanan, which was my Ma’s maiden name apparently.”

“Bucky, huh.” It did sound better than Barnes or James. This person who sat next to his hospital bed right now, actually didn’t really look like a “James” or a “Barnes” at all. “Bucky” was more appropriate and suited him best. It was a nice name.

“Bucky,” Steve gave him a genuine smile. “You can call me Steve, then.”

* * *

 

Sarah Rogers was the greatest lady he ever met. Bucky was fucking nervous when Steve said that his Ma would come visiting today. He barely interacted with other people since the accident, and he would like to avoid it at any cost if possible. But Matt was right, he couldn’t run away forever, eventually he had to face it.

But she was really understanding and not once looking at him differently. Immediately enough, Bucky was sure that he liked Sarah. Almost wished if her own Mother was as kind and warm as she was.

She knew that it was Bucky who called him that night, and she couldn’t stop thanking him for doing so.

“I don’t really have anyone else to seek help and you’ve done more than I ever asked. Thank you, James. I’m really grateful for that.”

“I, uh, please. Call me Bucky, ma’am. And it’s not a trouble at all. I just did what I could.“

“Call me Sarah, dear. I think we already knew each other enough to be on first name terms, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, yeah of course.”

He did wish if he had a mother like Sarah.

* * *

 

“But one question, how did you end up at that alleyway anyway?”

“Uhhh…”

“Steve?”

“Well, it might or might not be related to me fighting a person who was twice my size.”

“You _what??_ ”

“But he didn’t respect the lady at all! No means no, and he didn’t fucking care about it. I didn’t have any choice but to step in front of her before anything went wrong. Only that, well, I didn’t think about it through so...”

“Please do me a favor and don’t step into a fight you can’t win next time. If not, do it for your Ma. She was worried sick about you.”

“I know. But I just can’t stay quiet and pretend I don’t see it, Buck.”

“Fine. Next time it happens, I’ll just join the fight with you.”

“You’d do that?”

“Nah, I probably will drag you out and run away from it.”

“I don’t need you saving me. I will have them on the ropes.”

“Sure ya do, pal.”

* * *

 

“Ugh, why can’t I leave the hospital soon? I feel fine and fit already.”

“Steve, no. The doctor said that your rib is not healed yet, and you just recovered from your pneumonia. Your breath still sounds heavy, not to mention that you said that your head hurts you sometimes. So, no. Don’t ever think of getting out of here soon.”

“This is such a torture. I always hate hospitals since I was a kid.”

“That makes two of us, then.” Bucky said, chuckling. “Uhm, I can accompany you every day, if….you don’t mind. It’s not like I have a lot of things to do.“

Steve frowned at him. “Bucky, you HAVE a lot of things to do. Remember that you have to study for your exams in...around 6 more months from now?”

“God, do you really need to remind me of that?” he groaned, burying his face to Steve’s bed while the other young man just laughed.

“Okay, it decided. You come and visit me every day and bringing your stuff, so we can study together.”

“What the fuck. You still want to tutor me like this? In your current condition?”

Steve shrugged, “I mean, it’s boring to not able to do anything besides resting. Might as well do something very useful.”

“You and your obnoxious way of study.... So, you—you’re still willing to teach me?”

“Yup. Like I said, you’re stuck with me until then.”

* * *

 

He wasn’t the only one who kept visiting Steve at the hospital. While sometimes Matt came too, Bucky also got to meet the blond’s best friends.

Clint Barton was a human disaster who kept knocking off the vase (thankfully, it was plastic) and spilled its content. But he was a good kid who always brought pizzas and his mutt at the hospital, despite the doctor or nurse’s scolding every time.

Natasha Romanov was a scary woman, even if she didn’t look like it, but Bucky knew better not to mess with her of her friends (especially Steve), ever. If a sheer look alone could kill, Natasha probably would do that.

Sam Wilson, apparently a volunteer at the public health consulting service, basically a great young man with a big smile. He actually offered Bucky if he ever needed someone to talk when he was feeling down, which the brunette politely declined for now.

Bruce Banner seemed like a shy person, but Steve secretly said to him that he once had a very bad temper. If you ever need some pieces of advice about anger management, he would be the one who knew it best.

Thor was a Scandinavian-born person with a thick accent and a loud voice. Bucky had to admit that he was a bit intimidating, for being an at least 6’ 3” and bigger than any Steve’s friends he met. But apparently he was the biggest softy of all in the group. He just wished that Thor was a little bit gentler when patting Bucky’s back.

Tony Stark, well, _Stark_. Who would have thought that Steve even knew this billionaire and famous scientist Howard Stark’s only kid? Once they met their eyes, Tony’s only action to do was asking Bucky if he ever thought about getting a very cool looking and fully functional prosthetic arm. Again, Bucky declined the offer for now. It was too much to process.

* * *

 

“Do you know what Clint’s always called us?”

“What?”

“The Avengers. Like, come on, that’s a really lame name! Moreover, who do we ‘avenge’ anyway? Why do we need to ‘avenge’ on something?”

“Hey, a name doesn’t need a deep meaning. At least it sounds really cool, right?”

“I have to agree with Son of Barton, it did sound great.”

“Yeah, but you always agree on everyone all the time.”

“But here, listen, we basically have our own cool nicknames—I named them myself—and do you know what we call Steve as?”

“Jesus Christ, no. Don’t tell him—”

“Captain, fucking, America!”

“Urgh, I hate you so much right now!”

“But, why Captain America?”

“Oh you know, because our old little Steve here is so full of justice. Believe it or not, he is such a boy scout, always help a lady crossing the roads, defending the weak, all that jazz. And do you know what’s the best reason of all?”

“Tony, I swear to God—”

“Because his birthday is on 4th of July. Fourth. Fucking. July! He’s the most America’s American I’ve ever meet—”

Steve had to smack him with a pillow to shut him up, face turned beet red and everyone else was just laughing. Bucky was laughing earnestly and it didn’t feel wrong at all to finally laugh along with them.

It was exhausting to meet and get to know new people. But these people were Steve’s best friends, and they didn’t seem as half bad as he thought. For once, Bucky was fit in a strange combination of peer and he wasn’t exactly shy to admit it.

* * *

 

“Bucky?”

The man looked up from his book and saw Steve, still looked a bit tired and sleepy from his nap.

“Hey.” He smiled, “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, but. You’re early. You never been this early before.” The blond frowned. “Is something happened?”

The brunette didn’t answer him right away. He looked unsure, nervous about something.

“I, uhm, I need to talk to you about something. I...I don’t think I’ll be able to visit you every day starting from tomorrow.”

“...okay?” Steve shifted a little and tried to sit up. “What happened? Is it something...bad?”

“No, not a bad thing, I think. Fuck, I don’t know, Steve, I…” He clenched and unclenched his only hand. “Well, you know that I still have problems with my depression and Sam is volunteering at the public consulting service? I, Matt told me to go see him and kinda accepted his offer a week ago, and my first session starts tomorrow. Once a week, I think. And uh, I decided to go back to classes again, catching up everything I’ve been missed. I won’t be able to come over and visit you more often.”

“Buck, that’s not bad a bad news at all. That’s great, and brave of you to decide that.”

“Thanks, Stevie, but that’s not all…I also talked to Tony about...” he gestured to his stump. “It might take a whole month or more, but he said that it was fully experimental. And I have to undergo a surgery and more therapy sessions, but—”

“Wait, what? Bucky, do you mean...”

“Yeah.” He said, grinning. “How do you think I will look if I get that cool-looking metal arm Tony promised me quite a while ago?”

* * *

 

Steve finally fully recovered and allowed to come home. And they still studied together after school. But instead of Steve came over to the brunette’s house, it was Bucky who often visited his home. Sometimes, they also hung out with the others, and they were perfectly fine with that.

“So, are you ready to face the malicious threats of the final exams?”

“Jesus Christ, it’s finally here, isn’t it? I won’t be able to avoid it now? I think I’d rather to bury myself into the ground than taking that exams. It will be a terrible experience.”

“Stop being so dramatic, Barnes. You’ll do just fine. We’ve been through the subjects over and over again, and as your solid tutor for months, I think you’re more than ready.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“I just knew it, Buck. Come on, pack your things and get ready.”

“Hey, Steve, when this is over…”

“Huh? Sorry, what did you say?”

“Oh, no. Nothing.”

He was nervous. His breath hitched a little when he walked down to the hallway. The more he got closer to the classroom, the more anxious he became. People’s stares did a very great help to his state of panic. He thought that he was going to be sick—

Steve’s warm hand just grabbed his cold hand firmly, gave it a little pressure before repeating some words in the softest voice he could do.

_It will be okay. You’ll do great. Nothing’s to be afraid of. You’re okay._

Bucky grabbed his hand a bit tighter, and he had never felt so safe before until now.

* * *

 

They passed with a flying color and Steve couldn’t be more proud than this. And he just launched himself and gave Bucky a tight hug. That was the first time Bucky ever felt something like butterflies in his stomach, but he wasn’t sure what it meant.

* * *

 

True to his words, Tony’s father gave him an absolutely stunning prosthetic arm. It was still an experimental one and Bucky had to go into more therapies and exercises to fully use the arm. But it was more than enough to him. His eyes were full of tears by the time Tony asked him to try moving his left metal fingers for the first, slowly moving the other joints as well as if it was his own arm the whole time.

“That went unexpectedly well, wow. You did it, Barnes. Now I guess we will tell you the basics—what? Wait, wait, wait, hold on. No, no, no, back. Back off, I said. I don’t need you to—please don’t crush my body with your arms I still need it.“

Bucky hugged him tightly, but he didn’t feel anything other than feeling thankful for Tony.

By the time he finally showed Steve his new arm, the smaller male looked so delighted and amazed by its beauty. Once again, he gave Bucky a big hug as a skinny person could do, and once again he felt those butterflies in his stomach as he hugged back that small frame with his both arms

Oh.

_Oh…_.

He just realized what this feeling was called.

* * *

 

“I think I’m gay.”

“...yeah?”

“And I think I’m in love with Steve.”

“...okay that’s new or what?”

“Sam, I’m serious. I just realized this not long and I’m freaking out right now. Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Like what? Do you think we don’t know how you always saw Steve with those droopy eyes and dreamy gaze—”

“What? I, am I that obvious? Jesus, do Steve know this? Oh my God, he must know about this, what should I do? He must be hated me so much, how did he manage to even bother to hang out with me every damn time—”

“Geez, calm the fuck down for a moment, will you? I can assure you that Steve doesn’t know about it at all, he is as oblivious as you are honestly.”

“ _What?_ What do you mean—”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. You have no idea how desperate we are trying to knock some senses into both of you. But somehow you guys don’t even realize it until now, so congratulations Bucky. I’m so damn proud of you for figuring it out a lot sooner than Steve, so I can finally get that 50 bucks from Clint.”

Bucky groaned, putting both metal and flesh hands into his face, slightly embarrassed. “I can’t believe you guys are actually betting on us like that. I hate you so much.”

“Naw, you don’t. I’m a fucking delight, Barnes.” Sam laughed, sipping his drink before getting comfortable on the couch more. “So what now? Are you gonna confess your dying feeling to our old little Captain America?”

“What? I don’t know, Sam. I don’t think I will, Steve deserves someone better than me. He’s a good person, way too good and I’m a fucking disaster. Besides, I don’t think he has the same feeling as I am.”

“Which part of being oblivious to each other that you don’t understand? Listen, Bucky. I’ve seen the way he always sees you, and I know that his feeling to you is mutual. By seeing you, I mean making those kinds of droopy eyes as well like you did. You guys deserve to be happy, alright? Just tell him how you honestly feel. Believe me, you’d be surprised to find out.”

* * *

 

“I have a confession to make.”

Steve rested aside his magazine and looked at Bucky, frowning. “That doesn’t sound good. Do I need to start packing up the gardening tool into the car? Where do you want to hide the body?”

“Punk, this is serious.” He swatted Steve’s hand slightly, getting a chuckle from the blond before they sat down side by side on the couch. “Well, I’m—”

And he swore he was holding his breath longer than usual when he look at Steve right now. He knew this man for at least 2 years now, and Bucky just couldn’t get over with how _good_ he looked. His honey ash blond hair was getting a bit longer these months, which more than enough reasons for Bucky to always tuck the strand of his hair behind his ear once in a while. He was wearing his usual thick framed glasses because Steve would practically blind without it, but it would just make those sky blue eyes looked even gorgeous in return. He had this sincere smile on his face, simply waiting and not pushing Bucky to talk. He fully understood and patient with him, honestly Bucky still thought that he didn’t deserve him like him.

He might be gone too quiet for a few minutes that Steve finally looked concerned. “Buck? What is it? You know that you can tell me everything, right? I won’t judge you.”

“I know you won’t, Steve.” He inhaled and exhaled, trying to compose himself before he finally looked straight at his best friend. “I think I like you.”

The smaller man blinked. “Okay?”

“I mean, like _like_ you. In a romantic kind of way. I’m in love with you.”

He blinked twice, “Oh.”

“Yeah. I know this is too sudden, and probably surprises you. I don’t really expect you to return my feeling, I just want you to know about that. And if it makes you uncomfortable, then forget what I’m even saying right now. If it’s too awkward for you, I can understand if you don’t want to get in touch again or—”

“Bucky.”

He stopped talking abruptly when Steve clasped both of his hands to Bucky’s face and moved it a bit so the brunette finally faced him again.

“You’re always overthinking too much. And I didn’t get a chance to talk my part about it? I swear you’re such a jerk sometimes.“

“But, I—”

“James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve sighed loudly. “I’m in love with you too, okay? So stop whatever you’re thinking right now and just kiss me.”

He never acted so fast in complying Steve’s request.

 

And as if the kiss just broke the curse from him forever, he never been felt so _right_ before in his whole life.

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to post it to Tumblr but apparently it's way too long to be posted into a normal text post sobs. So I guess why don't I post it here instead? Also I was trying to write some sort of "Beauty & The Beast modern AU", might slightly be referred to the movie "Beastly" but with no supernatural or superpower included, but I simply failed in the middle of doing it *laugh*.
> 
> Let's just say this is a self-indulged fic that I desperately want to write. Not really sure about others' opinions, but I'm just proud of myself to be able to finish this. Anyway thank you so much if you're reading this until the end! I really appreciate that <3
> 
> ([reblogged-able photoset](http://kunishirou.tumblr.com/post/157990059092/ive-never-been-felt-so-right-before-until-i-met) on Tumblr)


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